This is a post that is an unusual one for me. If you browse through my other writings, they are delicate and detailed, thought-provoking, striking to the emotions. While that all will remain true (I hope) in this particular writing, there is one major difference that will cause this writing to stand out among the other stories I have written to this blog.
The events in this post, these letters are true. Real life. Raw.
I have learned that I process life changes, events, traumas, and let-downs best when I put them into writing. So, with that said, below are two long awaited letters. Two letters I needed to have written months ago. I understand the intended recipients may never read these, and I’m sure they really don’t care to do so even if they were given the opportunity to do so.
But that’s okay.
Before I put this off any longer, fasten your seatbelts…
Letter #1- Dear Ex-Boyfriend,
It has been about two years since we broke up…or rather, since we stood in that dimly lit parking lot, and I told you things needed to change or that things between us may end, to which you suggested we just end it there.
I learned a lot in the year and a half we dated- I learned that I loved how you could make me laugh, I learned that I loved having someone who loved children as much as I did, someone who had an appreciation for music and arts similar to me, and someone who loved to have fun and have a good time.
I also learned that I really needed someone who could listen to me, who could just let me rant or share what’s on my mind without trying to change the topic to something more pleasant to talk about. I needed someone who would make sacrifices for me, who would participate in activities or service projects with me where we’d both be taken a little out of our comfort zones. Someone who I could grow with emotionally, physically, and most importantly, spiritually.
I tried to get you more involved with my church, with reading the Bible and doing devotions together, but I grew tired of being the one to lead, sometimes seeming to be the only one who wanted to do those things.
You weren’t who I wanted or needed you to be- and I write this letter to tell you, that that is okay.
I am sorry for trying to make you into the man I needed when it was clear that you weren’t that person for me. Don’t take that the wrong way- I know you are married now to a beautiful and lovely lady, someone who really is perfect for you.
While I may never understand how or why you moved on, though, so quickly, which, I will admit did really hurt me in the beginning…I felt like our relationship, the previous year and a half that you spent with me, didn’t matter because, well, you found someone else to marry so fast. While I was scared to date again, especially so soon after the depth to the mistakes that we made, it seemed as though you had no problem moving on, and it felt to me that you didn’t value or even remotely respect the relationship that we did have only months before you proposed to your now wife.
While on the topic of your wife, please tell her that I apologize. I took from you what I never should have, and I don’t know what she does or doesn’t know about those times of our relationship, but please, from the depths of my heart, let her know how sorry I am for not respecting her or your future relationship with her by participating in such acts. I know the Lord has forgiven me, but I hope that she too can forgive me for my portion of what went wrong.
God has given me the grace to move on from that all, though. I am able to look back on our relationship without regrets, or without shame. While I still don’t understand the how or why behind your actions and the timing of them, the pain is gone and the hurt has been surrendered to the Lord.
Thank you for a fun, memory filled year and a half, and for the lessons along the way. Some were learned easier than others, but none of them do I regret learning with you. I wish you much joy, peace, growth, and success in your marriage, and I do hope that sometime in the future, you too can look back at the time we spent together with fondness.
Letter #2- Dear Ex-Best Friend,
Your letter is a little harder to write.
We really were only “best friends” for a little under a year. I really connected with you because of our similar backgrounds, had similar pains from our past, and I really appreciated how well you listened, how you also shared in your struggles. I felt I finally had a GOOD close friend that I was able to share with and be shared with- I thought our sharing went both ways, and when you started dating a friend of ours, it was cool to see that blossom.
Your letter will be much shorter than the previous letter, not because I don’t want to say anything to your or because I’m holding a grudge against you, or whatever. I just am at a loss for words. Our friendship ended abruptly. I am sure there were reasons, and that you stopped talking to me for reasons that probably are legitimate- but my heart still kind of hurts when I reflect on our times together and then am brought to the thought of, “We’ll probably never speak again…”
I wish I could get together again for lunch with you, hear how work is going for you, show you the bridesmaid dress I should be receiving in the mail soon for my brother’s wedding, go shoe shopping, as for advice on what alcoholic beverages to consume at an upcoming bachelorette party, gush to you all about my new boyfriend and hear how things are going with your boyfriend, and ultimately…..to sort out whatever it is that there is a misunderstanding or hurt on your side about. I apologize in general, but at this point, I don’t know how to make this right….the ball is in your court, as they say…but even if you choose to kick that ball far out of sight, where it is irretrievable, that is okay, because God has a bigger plan than for us both to be friends again.
And that is okay.
I still love you, and you’ll always be in my heart…fondly.
Your Ex-Best Friend